I have been told quite a number of times by doctors that there is no cure for my condition. I think the “there is nothing we can do” line started to really sink in when I realized that I am sick and I had just walked out of indumba empty-handed. The healer could only gift me a hug and whisper words of hope. For some reason, the thought of death did not scare me, what scared me the most is the thought of kissing my dreams goodbye.
I created a bubble and blocked the reality of failure. In this bubble, my miracle cure and dreams were going to meet at a crossroad and everything was going to be okay but little did I know that my tale has just begun. As time passes, the illness also progresses and it becomes harder to fight. I watched my health deteriorate and hope still continued to paint beautiful pictures of the future in my head.
One morning my doctor said to me “Life does not always grant us what we want. You have to learn to let go and find new dreams, learn to explore this life thing” that time I am lying in ICU I had just been told that my heart is failing, it just didn’t make sense. How do you explore life stuck in a hospital bed? I meditated upon it and realized that I can never make way for new things if I am not willing to let go of the old. It is not easy for a big dreamer and a traveller at heart to let go of the life she dreamed of. I am a work in progress and thankful that the art of gratitude saves me. The aim is not to defy death, the aim is to live.
I’ve hit rock bottom and felt every emotion that comes with being in that dark space. I had to swallow bitter truths “Everything is as it should be” and make peace with the situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean that one has given up. Death is not a distant rumour I spend so much time focusing on keeping myself alive, my body is in a constant cycle of excruciating pain. Illness is imprisonment, but how long am I going to dwell on this misery?
What I have learned from living with a chronic illness is that time does not wait for you to get better, life goes on while you sleep your days away due to medication. At the end of the day, it is what it is, I’m not going to fight fate but I’m also not going to let the process deprive me of joy. I honestly owe it to myself to do every little thing that I can to make my heart smile and to create beautiful memories even if it is for a short while. The aim is not to defy death, the aim is to live in the moment with happiness, peace, and gratitude. Let’s dance in the rain!
For a moment..
I forgot the tears
I forgot the wrath of my illness
I forgot to guard my breath
For a moment…
I remembered how to smile
My laughter was genuine
I saw the beauty in life
I revisited my dreams
I believed in miracles
My soul was reminded that this is not my end.
Dear Light ( I lost my father and lost myself in the tunnel of grief)
Please remind my soul that..
I’m not owed any explanation.
It doesn’t have to make sense.
What happened had to happen.
The tears will subside with time.
My sad reality will break the ice of shock.
There is no rush to speak.
To accept the loss and grief.
It is okay to remain silent and still until my heart gathers strength.
I will heal and smile again. – S.S Mathebula
I lost my smile in the tunnel of grief.
The tears flowed as my light faded away.
My body slowly surrendered and illness gladly took over the reigns.
My heart disputed with reality.
I can’t face tomorrow.
I never imagined it without you.
My heart is broken, my soul is a mess.
The silence is needed.
I will heal and smile again.
A piece I wrote last month shortly after losing my dad. Loss is something else I’ve been shown new corners of grief, I really don’t know how I make it through each day because thinking about it immediately weakens my soul. It all seems so surreal I’ve been on autopilot ever since he left but it hits home when my mother says “I miss my man” my dad loved his wife and children to the moon and back.
I’m just fighting to get through this peacefully, I can’t afford any decline on my health because it will break my mother apart. Through it all I remain hopeful.
The sun will rise again I will heal and smile again.